White Flag

I write because I can't keep my feelings bottled up. I am not capable of detaching myself of emotion. I just need to get this out of my system, because, well, for my own peace of mind. A good friend of mine did say that I have a way with words (I'm not bragging, but heh, I'm flattered).

--

You just. Walked away. Without a word.

I'm not sure what happened. I don't know why one day, you just stopped altogether. I tried reaching out to you, but you wouldn't lend out your hand for me to reach. If there was something I said, if it was my fault, I would've quickly apologized. Not because it's you, but because that's just how I am. But maybe also because it's you.

I'm not mad. I don't feel any resentment or bitterness towards you at all. Okay, maaaybe a little on the latter. But mostly, bewilderment. A bunch of questions are in my head right now, and they are mostly why's. I'd like to think we left out on a good note the last time we saw each other. I thought this thing we had, on the brink of collapsing, was salvaged even just a little. But maybe you got tired of our set-up. Maybe the texts and the video calls were just not enough anymore, and all the bickering didn't help either. And I know too well that the distance is killing you. Maybe I annoyed you? Hell even I find myself extremely annoying.

But still, why? And I'll probably not know the answers anytime soon. I probably don't want to hear them too. Even if a part of me yearns for it. But these I know:

That I'll always be grateful that you liked me even when I was not at my prime of attractiveness. Haha. The truth is, I've had the biggest crush on you even before. My friends would find my squeal all too annoying every time there's a photo/status that you liked/commented on. It was all over my Twitter and they would just roll their eyes every time I blabber on and on about you. And they'd say, "Sige, push mo yan teh."

That I will miss the conversations we used to have. What we ate for breakfast, our hard-to-deal-with co-workers, you fake-vomiting when I'm watching Got To Believe, when we argue which series is better, Friends or HIMYM (definitely Friends!!!). Even if we would often fight over the smallest and silliest things, but because we are both stubborn, it would escalate to something big (albeit unneccessary). Then we'd patch things up (thankfully). I will definitely miss these conversations that mask the 400+ km distance between us.

That the out-of-the-blue messages you leave in my timeline or chat instantly light up my day. 

That those bike rides definitely were the safest I've ever felt. Thanks for the ride!

That I hope you will find what or who you're looking for. Whatever it is, I hope you grab it. Or her. And be happy with it. Or her. :)

That I'm lucky I got a chance with you. 

That the last moments at the airport when you were leaving for Ilo-Ilo was hard for me. But you made it easier when you hugged me and said, "See you later." And I calmed down instantly. Just like that. All doubts, all uncertainties left when you uttered those words.

And that the last moments at the airport when it was me leaving was much much harder. Trying to catch a last glimpse of each other, me constantly turning my head back, you just standing there waiting for me to turn around (at least that's what I'd like to think. Hehe). Shet. Airport scenes. I hate it. Yet I love it. :')

That the past four months? I wouldn't trade it for the world. I don't regret a single second of it.

That these feelings will always be there. It will lessen, but it'll always be there. But I will have to set it aside for now, lock it away in the deepest corners of... wherever I keep my feelings.

--

I'm sorry. Looking back, it was mostly me making things hard for us. Between us two, you were definitely the more mature one, when it should've been the other way around. I guess my hissy fits got the better of me. It was probably tiring for you. Scratch that, it was definitely tiring. The petty jabs at you here in Facebook, the passive-aggressive retaliation, all the immaturity you had to deal with. Just... I'm sorry. I really am.

To quote Classic Ted Schmosby, "...Because kids, when a door closes, well, you know the rest." But I'm not closing this door. Not entirely. Because you might just walk right back in. I don't know if anything is ever going to happen to us, but I don't want to know that it never could. 

If this note ever gets to you, please don't think I'm making you look bad. It is definitely not my intention. I guess this is my way of saying that, although it sucks, it's probably for the best. And I hope you're happy. Stay safe. Weren't you supposed to go back on the 8th? Be careful. Storm's coming.

See you around. :)

Yehey! So... What now?

This settles everything. I update this blog once a month. But things might look up from now on, since I have overcome a HUGE hurdle in my life.

Took the most nerve-wracking exam in my entire life last September 18 and 19. That's two full days of racking my brains with everything I managed to insert in the past four months of review (or three weeks of cramming). Oh, also the N years I spent in college. :D I was out of my wits by the end of the second day, and didn't care the slightest with my surroundings.

I wasn't actually that nervous in the beginning. Things changed 180 degrees, however, come advising time.

"Kung di ka tiga-UP, sasabihan ka na namin na huwag na munang kumuha ngayon, next year na lang. Pero since UP ka naman, kaya pa siguro..." 

I don't know if the adviser meant it to be reassuring, or encouraging. But it definitely rattled me. It caused me to have moooore sleepless nights. Also caused me to have nightmares (one I vividly remember). Caused me panic attacks, and breakdowns (Oh yes, dramatic). A day or two before the exam date, I was already mentally and emotionally drained.

But yehey to Papa for coming to my aid, waiting for me to finish my exams (Mind you, he doesn't like to wait), and telling me stories when he took the bar exams, just to ease my mind.

Yehey to Jaybie, Paul, and sometimes Bhadz for accompanying me during my 'study' sessions, and consequently distracting me.

Yehey to Meryl and Poca for being my alarm clocks, allowing me to stay at their place whenever I need to wake up early, and consequently giving me unnecessary, but very much welcomed, distractions.

Yehey to Kuya Nikko for constantly checking up on me, with the first words always being, "Ano, Top 1 na?"

Yehey to all the well-wishers who texted, tweeted, commented, and posted on my wall.

Yehey to my ex-mem comm slave, Bebang, for texting me during the exam. :)

Yehey again to Meryl for being the first person to text me after the exams. And the timing was just perfect! :)

Yehey to Isay for being my study buddy. Nagbunga ang ating munting group (?) study!

Yehey to Ate Edz and Zye, along with Isay, for being my exam buddies.

Yehey to the sisters at Ilawud, especially to Sr. Imelda and Sr. Marie Rosia, for the prayers.

Yehey to my aunts and uncles in Manila who helped me with the accommodations and treating us to dinner.

Yehey to everyone who sent their congratulations. :)

Yehey, I guess, to Mr. Fudolig who gave me that very, very, very, sound advice. It snapped me to reality.

Yehey to my orgmates for giving me the distractions I desperately needed. Sorry for intruding too much. :) I love the UP Sidlangan to much, izzoowhardtoleggo! :D

Yehey to my family, for being my family. To mama, who was always the receiving end of my worries, and for calling me and listening while I whine, a big big YEHEY!

So... what now? :D

Nothing good ever happens after 2am. But before that something might. :)

This is not intended to be a food blog. :) 

So at half past midnight, Jaybie, Paul, and I were stuck at Zentea Maginhawa. Thank God that Jaybie had been craving something to eat. And thank God he introduced us to Johnny Rockets, for I probably would've lived my life without knowing such food porn exists. :D

The price is a bit discouraging; we initially went on to look for other places to eat. We ended up there eventually because almost all the stores were closed. But every peso was well spent.

The place has a concept of an 'American diner', one of 'em malt shops you saw in Archie comics. From the floor tiling to the booths, to the old catchy songs, and yes, to the jukebox. A functioning jukebox, to add! Yes, the place is a bit pricey, but they do give a VERY generous serving. Jaybie and I even split on a Philly Cheese Steak, and I was still full. Plus, some items come with unlimited fries. And quite frankly, you wouldn't really need another serving of fries because the first batch that comes with your order is more than enough. And according to the ever wise Jaybie, you're given this concept that is not often seen, so you're also basically paying for it (I swear, Jaybie, whatever this world would be without you, I wouldn't dare imagine. :D).

Ze Jukebox!

Two thumbs up on the cheese steak! If I've got an extra thumb, I'd raise it high too. I'm picky when it comes to onions, but I just gobbled it up (I did leave some, I'm still picky.) The meat wasn't salty, but it wasn't bland; it had a peppery taste that lingers in your mouth. You wouldn't hear me complaining about the huge serving of fries either. Oh, and making a smiley face with the ketchup on the paper plate is their trademark.

FOOD PORN! Philly Cheese Steak!
The steak was cut in half. Yep, you can request it. The waitress that evening was the nicest I've ever met!

Diners have always been quintessentially American. I was quite happy I got to experience something different; to say, "It's just like in the movies!" and get a tiny glimpse of what it really is like. 

Tip: Sit at the service counter. It's more fun there! You get a full-view at how they prepare their awesome food. And bask in the awesome-ness of it all. :D

This is the only thing I could give you. For now. :)

July is coming to a close. Man, time sure flies. I'm not even having fun.

Let this (possibly) sole entry for the Seventh Moon be dedicated to my very, very good friend, Meryl (go ahead, spy on her :P). For today is the day I ask God, WHYYYYY?! Kidding. You are the target of my ever-so-irregular dose of cheesiness. Be honored.

Happy birthday, Mer. Remember when I told you how I dislike calling you 'Meh' like everyone else because I seem like talking to a sheep/goat/ram/whatever-is-closely-related? It's still true to this day. Haha.

It's been, what, 9 years since we've known each other? Not in constant contact, but when we do, boy, the stories never end. You even slept way past your bedtime last time I crashed at your place. Was it me who woke you up? That can't be right, I sleep like a log. Must be me dreaming. Haha. 

"... you never really remember the beginning of a dream, do you? You always wind up right in the middle of what's going on." (Cobb, Inception, 2010)

(Tama tak ka-cite hin reference? Haha)

Because I can never pinpoint the exact time we became close as we are now. I cannot tell for sure exactly when we started to open ourselves for the other. Or is this just me? LOL. In any case, I'm glad I found a friend in you. And a great one to boot. :)

Because we (you, me, and Karlo; was Lori with us too?) used to stay late after school several times reenacting the duel scene of Harry and Malfoy in the 2nd book, and other scenes too but the duel scene was a favorite.

Because you would listen (read?) to me when I get giddy seeing my crush/one-sided summer fling/one-sided school break fling, or when I rant that I don't like him anymore, then I'd like him back again. Because you asked me who it was the first time it happened, this is the consequence. :)

Because you would randomly text me saying you remembered me when you drank a cola and burped. I can't say that is the highest compliment one has ever given me, but I am touched nonetheless. Association is a sure way in remembering something/someone. Haha.

Because you hate what I love (ehem, U-Kiss) and love what I hate (EHEM KIM HYUN JOONG, YAMAPI); it's a good thing all we do is bicker. How about we toss in some hair-pulling? :D

Because you would let me crash at your place even when you're tired from work, and still entertain me. 'Nuff said. Well, this goes to Poca as well. And Dianne. :)

Because I rarely confide to you any emotional personal stuff, and yet we still know each other well enough.

So I quoted a line from the Movie of Dreams; but that's only because I watched it only now. I know. Haha-bloody-ha. Can I just say I am totally shipping Arthur x Eames pairing? :D Haha. Anyway. I hope whatever this is we both share won't end; I hope this friendship would go down the Limbo and be stuck there for all eternity. :) That's 'friends forever' in its truest sense.

Happy birthday Merrrrr, know that you are loved. :*

Raaaaaaarrr! :D 

Don't jinx

I am going to keep this short.

Three words.

GRADUATE NA AKO! 


Honestly, I still feel paranoid. I couldn't really grasp the feeling. What if's still creep into my head. WHAT IF.

But I'm done. I checked and double checked. I think I'm done. Ma'am Nena already okay-ed. She even showed me the sign saying I'm all clear with the requirements.

So... Yep. I guess I already graduated. :)

While others have been going on about how amazing their summer was, well, here's mine. Touche!

Summer twenty-twelve. I must say, I spent it in the most unusual way.

While others have been hopping around beaches and globe-trotting, I have been going to two places only, UP and Krus na Ligas. I haven't been anywhere beyond the gates of UP, literally. While others have been trying  mouth-watering delicacies, I have been inhaling toxic chemicals everyday. While others have been going out with old friends after a long time, I have been meeting no one, except for my adviser's research assistant, which isn't really a bad thing. While others have been getting a tan under the sun, I had my left hand peeling its skin off because of the several times it was doused with chemicals. While others sleep until noon, I wake up at 7am to get to lab, and inhale some more toxic stuff. While others have been horsing around all summer, I was responsible for two spills inside the laboratory (maybe because I was horsing around? Maybe.). I could go on, because I am bitter. Haha.

This is my "sunburn." Courtesy of TFA (trifluoroacetic acid).
Try looking it up, what harm it does to a person. 

But it wasn't all bad. My brothers got to treat me on separate occasions. Now, that was awesooo~me. Hooray for free stuff! Hooray for brothers who have a lot of $$$, and nothing to spend on (kidding.) And I got to meet really cool friends at the lab (Ate Loida, Kuya Larry, Sharine, Denden!). I still get to watch my favorite shows, so summer wasn't all that bad.

I couldn't go out with friends because I got tied up with my beloved thesis. I missed out Kay's birthday bash (Haymsosorreh), I'd always go home late, then wake up early the next day. Whew. I even had Aira, Karina, and Paul wait until almost midnight because I couldn't leave the lab until I was finished with the experiment. No wait; technically, they waited on their own, sooo~ my hands are clean. Hahaha. Salamaaaat.

I finished the experiment + draft last Friday, so for the first time in many weeks, I really had nothing to do (okay, I was procrastinating with my prob sets, but eh. :P) The minute I passed my draft, I went to Trinoma, waited for almost 2 hours, standing and being squeezed by this mad lot trying to get to the front to see........ ALLISON! :D Seriously, 3 feet away from her. She's really gorgeous!

Last night was one of the fondest times I've had. :) Some Batch '06 went on a night out. It wasn't intended to be a Batch 06 thing. Just that, everybody who went there was, yep, Batch 06. So yey! :D Amazing night. Juicy stuff. Juicy stuff. :P I seriously missed being with these people. They're all so busy being grown-ups (Gawd, Badz went on how he wanted to quit his job), so times like these are rare. But that makes it all the more special (UH-HUH.) How many times have we clinked our drinks last night? Because here's one more. Cheers, to crazy moments like these, and to the next time we get to do this again, there'd be more of us, and fun-ner! :) Hoorah!

Booze or no booze, we're always like that.

I just realized. There is not a picture of all of us! Ugh. Next time. Next time. :) Karina and Jaybie, you are loved! :D

Of friends and notes

Last April 3, a very good friend of mine had her 2_th birthday. I won't disclose the age, I might end up in a dump or something. As she was on the other side of the world, and I'm not good on giving gifts, I wrote her a birthday note instead, and seemingly, the only thing I can give to anyone. Oh yes, poor me. 

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Of thank you's slash birthday messages :)

Remember the heart wrenching, tear-jerking message I was going to write for you last New Year's Eve that never came? Well, I am writing this note with the intention to make you bawl your eyes out. If this note fails to do so, then consider this as a simple (albeit fail) birthday message. :D 

I don't have my own site to write out my thoughts or share pictures, so I'll just borrow this convenient app in this convenient Facebook. :) Forgive the inconsistent flow, I have not done this in years, so whatever writing skills I had, it's all so rusty now.

So you're there, and I'm here. I really can't remember the last time I saw you before you left. You just sent a text saying you're boarding for LA (or Hawaii? Haha) in 30 minutes. In a way, it's all good. I suck at goodbyes apparently, and if we were to meet one last time, things may turn ugly (or I may turn ugly. Haha). That's a maybe. :D I appreciate that you took the time to send me that message.

It's your birthday! Well, it's ending here. Is it already your day on your side? HAPPY BIRTHDAY! I know I said I'd intentionally forget your birthday since you unintentionally forgot mine, but eh. I couldn't do that. :) But you do owe me a treat of Korean barbecue when you come back! Haha. My tummy awaits. I won't be giving you a testimonial, because I'm sure you've already had one too many. It's cliche, but maybe a few thank you's on why you've made such a huge impact in my life?

Thank you for the times you let me use your PC (kay diri pa uso an laptop hadto. Haha) to the brink of exhaustion/damage. For the little treats that saved me from starvation because I was too lazy to go out and buy a meal. For cleaning my side of the room when we were roommates (I tried to keep the mess on my side, if that's any compensation. Haha). For the easy-going conversations on just about anything and anyone. For being the go-to person when I'm in need of clothes, make-up and whatnot. For the times you experiment on my hair. For being non-judgmental when you know I haven't taken a bath that day (!!!). Oh! For that birthday surprise you got me on my 18th birthday! That was fun. My roommate was much more surprised when you guys came barging in. And I've stressed this enough, stop putting candles on top of the cake, the wax falls on it. Eck. :)) 

On a more serious note, thank for being there when I've had my share of turbulent times. Thank you for crying with me one time in first year even when I wasn't telling you what was wrong and I just kept sobbing. Thank you for putting up with me during the times  I was crying and you know this time what was wrong but didn't ask. I know you have a knack of not saying what's on your mind when you think your friendship with that person would be put to risk, but I'll tell you right now, you won't have that kind of problem with me. :)

For the funny anecdotes, and the unfortunate turn of events on what could have been your potential love of your life (or future ex. Haha), thank you for sharing them with me. For crying in front of us when you thought you were about to flunk Math 17, thank you. Because I felt that the start of this awesome bond between us was our mishaps with our own lives that we decided to share to each other. In short, salamat at pareho tayong tanga sa mga bagay-bagay (i.e pag-ibig). :)))

Remember how I complained that we didn't have pictures of DSLR quality? Well, ta-dah! It's not as fabulous (I look constipated. HAHAHA), but hey, at least we have one. :)))

Mabusag tak irok. Maupay nala. HAHA

You're given a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to start anew, don't mess up this time. :) But even if you do, I'll always be your beytch, and ready to welcome you once you get back home (you'll see me at the airport with a welcome sign). There are some things that never change, our friendship is one of them. :) Know that you are sorely missed. I love you. Happy birthday! :* mwahmwahtsuptsupslurpslurp!

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Then her reply, which made me close to tears myself. I am so happy I got to be your friend Beytch. :) I am not envious of people having someone to call a best friend. Coz I got you, and with this kind of friendship, and I got nothing else to ask for. :) I shall post your reply here, because we're both cheesy like that. :)))

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I have come to conclude that a fulfillment of a birthday lies on having someone make you cry. :"> I feel that you succeeded in doing that with words...at 12:37pm Pacific Time on the 3rd of april. hehehe. i felt a tear or two run down! dire ak makadrama hn bongga ky my parents were on the next table. kahiyuh. haha. :(( :)) 

This note just makes me feel certain that we're at wavelength with each other with our way with words. i feel so good that i only have one witty writer friend as you, and your writing's all mine! muwahaha! seriously, i hate competition. you know how to pull my strings, you know where the strings are to begin with. :"> 

i feel so appreciated deep inside that i know only you could have nailed them in specific words. hoho. the special highlights you know about my life were the ones i feel were of impact too. you know bits of everything in my life and you know them just enough to know without overdoing one phase ya know. 

"For the funny anecdotes, and the unfortunate turn of events on what could have been your potential love of your life (or future ex. Haha),..."--->HAHAHA. i think we have our own funny anecdotes at one stage of our life. good thing when i had it you were the "enlightened man" , and when you had it i was that one. what would the world have been if we were broken at the same time huh? im just glad we get to laugh 'bout it togetha now 

"Because I felt that the start of this awesome bond between us was our mishaps with our own lives that we decided to share to each other." :((((((((((((((( shet. truelaloo 

Nevertheless, thankyou for the understanding, for saying the right things, for saying the right things at the right time with the right words. you will be my one and only beytch and i shall be yours! >:D< HUUUG!

lol at the airport scene :)) yeauh, i won't mess up :> or maybe ill mess up more! hoho. nevertheless i know you're always there. hihi. #cheeesssyy. keibye :))

P.S. gasi ko ba DSLR pic ini, hain na an high res copy?!!! gimme link! hahaha 

alabshuuu beytch 

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I must have done something good in my past life to be rewarded like this. :D Thank you soulmate! :*