White Flag

I write because I can't keep my feelings bottled up. I am not capable of detaching myself of emotion. I just need to get this out of my system, because, well, for my own peace of mind. A good friend of mine did say that I have a way with words (I'm not bragging, but heh, I'm flattered).

--

You just. Walked away. Without a word.

I'm not sure what happened. I don't know why one day, you just stopped altogether. I tried reaching out to you, but you wouldn't lend out your hand for me to reach. If there was something I said, if it was my fault, I would've quickly apologized. Not because it's you, but because that's just how I am. But maybe also because it's you.

I'm not mad. I don't feel any resentment or bitterness towards you at all. Okay, maaaybe a little on the latter. But mostly, bewilderment. A bunch of questions are in my head right now, and they are mostly why's. I'd like to think we left out on a good note the last time we saw each other. I thought this thing we had, on the brink of collapsing, was salvaged even just a little. But maybe you got tired of our set-up. Maybe the texts and the video calls were just not enough anymore, and all the bickering didn't help either. And I know too well that the distance is killing you. Maybe I annoyed you? Hell even I find myself extremely annoying.

But still, why? And I'll probably not know the answers anytime soon. I probably don't want to hear them too. Even if a part of me yearns for it. But these I know:

That I'll always be grateful that you liked me even when I was not at my prime of attractiveness. Haha. The truth is, I've had the biggest crush on you even before. My friends would find my squeal all too annoying every time there's a photo/status that you liked/commented on. It was all over my Twitter and they would just roll their eyes every time I blabber on and on about you. And they'd say, "Sige, push mo yan teh."

That I will miss the conversations we used to have. What we ate for breakfast, our hard-to-deal-with co-workers, you fake-vomiting when I'm watching Got To Believe, when we argue which series is better, Friends or HIMYM (definitely Friends!!!). Even if we would often fight over the smallest and silliest things, but because we are both stubborn, it would escalate to something big (albeit unneccessary). Then we'd patch things up (thankfully). I will definitely miss these conversations that mask the 400+ km distance between us.

That the out-of-the-blue messages you leave in my timeline or chat instantly light up my day. 

That those bike rides definitely were the safest I've ever felt. Thanks for the ride!

That I hope you will find what or who you're looking for. Whatever it is, I hope you grab it. Or her. And be happy with it. Or her. :)

That I'm lucky I got a chance with you. 

That the last moments at the airport when you were leaving for Ilo-Ilo was hard for me. But you made it easier when you hugged me and said, "See you later." And I calmed down instantly. Just like that. All doubts, all uncertainties left when you uttered those words.

And that the last moments at the airport when it was me leaving was much much harder. Trying to catch a last glimpse of each other, me constantly turning my head back, you just standing there waiting for me to turn around (at least that's what I'd like to think. Hehe). Shet. Airport scenes. I hate it. Yet I love it. :')

That the past four months? I wouldn't trade it for the world. I don't regret a single second of it.

That these feelings will always be there. It will lessen, but it'll always be there. But I will have to set it aside for now, lock it away in the deepest corners of... wherever I keep my feelings.

--

I'm sorry. Looking back, it was mostly me making things hard for us. Between us two, you were definitely the more mature one, when it should've been the other way around. I guess my hissy fits got the better of me. It was probably tiring for you. Scratch that, it was definitely tiring. The petty jabs at you here in Facebook, the passive-aggressive retaliation, all the immaturity you had to deal with. Just... I'm sorry. I really am.

To quote Classic Ted Schmosby, "...Because kids, when a door closes, well, you know the rest." But I'm not closing this door. Not entirely. Because you might just walk right back in. I don't know if anything is ever going to happen to us, but I don't want to know that it never could. 

If this note ever gets to you, please don't think I'm making you look bad. It is definitely not my intention. I guess this is my way of saying that, although it sucks, it's probably for the best. And I hope you're happy. Stay safe. Weren't you supposed to go back on the 8th? Be careful. Storm's coming.

See you around. :)